I first noticed by mother’s dementia when she was visiting me nearly five years ago. We had a monthly tradition where they would drive up from 3 hours away and would come over for lunch and then they would drive home before dark. I would cook because it was already clear by then that she could not handle cooking for more than two people.
This time, however, her cognitive decline hit me hard. She kept thinking her phone was ringing and she kept answering it, having conversations with herself. My dad tried to cover it up and he pretended like it was no big deal. It was then that I realized he was hiding the seriousness of her condition from me. He was worried that I would try to intervene and take over her care - even take her away from him.
We had a blow up and they left. Over the next few months, I tried calling him but he wouldn’t call back, at least not right away. I sent him emails, trying to break through to him that it was in her best interest to at least get evaluated and maybe start medications to slow its progression. But these suggestions were taken as criticisms that he couldn’t take care of his wife. And any attempts to talk to my mom about her own wishes - in a meaningful way - slipped through the cracks. But she seemed happy so I didn’t want to push too hard.
Regardless, the monthly lunches became less and less frequent, and they stayed surface level. I finally decided that I would not be cut out of their lives and I would go to them uninvited. The first time, my father was angry when I showed up unannounced and he barely let me in the door. The second time, however, he was more friendly and welcoming when he realized I wouldn’t just take her away.
Now we have started a new tradition where I come twice a month for tea or to help with errands. And I have their friends and neighbors checking in on them more frequently. The future is still unknown, but my father now understands that we are on the same side and we can figure out the next steps together, he is not alone. I am still angry at him for hiding it, but I now realize how dependent he is on my mother as well.