Frequently Asked Questions (FAQs)

Below are frequently asked questions about family estrangement and reconciliation:

What is family estrangement?

We define family estrangement as the discontinuation of contact between two or more relatives, gradually or abruptly, for some period of time. It can happen between parents and children, siblings, or other relatives. Other terms used include cuttoff and no contact.

How common is family estrangement?

Based on our research, we found that more than a quarter of Americans (27%) are currently estranged from a close relative, which translates to approximately 68 million Americans.

What causes family estrangement?

We have identified six major pathways to estrangement:

  • The Long Arm of the Past—a history of harsh parenting, emotional or physical abuse and neglect, favoritism, or sibling rivalry

  • The Legacy of Divorce—long-term effects of divorce, often resulting in hostility or weakened bonds

  • The Problematic In-Law—spouses or partners who are disliked by relatives or vice versa

  • Money and Inheritance—conflict over money, including lack of financial support or financial exploitation, or disputes over wills and inheritance

  • Value and Lifestyle Differences—disapproval of relative’s core values or lifestyle choices

  • Unmet Expectations—failure to meet familiar obligations or norms of behavior

What is the impact of family estrangement?

Many experience it as a considerable loss, causing feelings of grief or remorse, and it can lead to chronic stress from repeated reminders, rejections, or from efforts to conceal it due to its stigma. Those affected may experience social isolation, depression and anxiety, insomnia, and low self-esteem. It not only impacts those who are directly involved but also other family members who are forced to take sides. The collateral damage of family estrangement means less overall social support and social capital in families torn apart by this issue.

Who should consider reconciliation?

Reconciliation may not be possible or appropriate for every relationship, especially in cases of abuse and neglect, but for many there are benefits to knowing they tried and gave their relative “one more chance” even if it’s ultimately unsuccessful.

What are some tips for reconciliation?

We offer the following suggestions for those considering reconciliation:

  • Decide to reconcile for yourself—weigh the benefits to your own health and wellbeing, including not regretting it later on

  • Abandon the need for an apology—remember there are always two sides to every story, let go of the need to be right and assign blame

  • Consider your role in the rift—reflect on the situation from their perspective

  • Change your expectations—don’t set unrealistic expectations for the relationship going forward, determine what is the least you can accept

  • Focus on the future—forget the past and focus on building a new future, setting boundaries and clear terms as needed

  • Create a plan—seek the assistance of trained professionals, such as therapists and mediators, to develop and implement a plan to initiate contact with your relative

Are there resources available to help?

Besides our own research and publications, including Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them, we provide suggested resources for those considering reconciliation, such as a list of therapists and mediators who provide services to estranged family members, as well as other research on the topic. Visit the Resources page of this website for more information.