My sister and I went through a five-year estrangement. We were in our early 30’s at the time. We were both parents of young children and had been very close and supportive during our pregnancies. Only three years apart in age, we grew up sharing clothes and friends. When her second child was 2 years old, she left her marriage. She reunited with a college boyfriend and got a divorce, then moved thousands of miles away.
Her new husband was a wealthy man and an alcoholic. She soon began a lifestyle of partying and travel that was very hard on her children. Social Services was called a number of times and they were forced to participate in rehab. For a while, this cycle continued. Because the kids lived with her and only visited their biological father, I didn’t really see what was going on. There were a lot of coverups and secrecy, and I was raising my own family and not as attentive as I could have been.
One summer when her kids were a little older, she confided to another relative about what was really going on in her home (e.g., the extent of the neglect). That person took the alarm to the family and an intervention took place that threatened my sister’s future with her kids. Basically, the family and Social Services forced her into residential treatment and a strict aftercare program. She called me one night during this period of time, drunk and high, and asked if I would intervene on her behalf and tell the court that she was a good parent. I told her “no” and said if the court called I would tell the truth.
She went to residential treatment and has remained sober for over 20 years. But during those early years of sobriety, we didn’t communicate at all. She resented me for not taking her side, and I resented her for becoming someone I felt I couldn’t trust anymore. The rest of the family tried to get us to reconcile, but we avoided it.
Then over time, we became ready to start a new relationship based on who we are now. We have been good friends ever since, although not as close as we might have been if this series of events didn’t take place. I don’t blame either of us because I know that addiction makes everyone crazy, the addict and their loved ones. It clouds our judgement and affects our relationships. I have realized as I get older the power of family connections to either hurt or heal.