My daughter and I were always very close while she was growing up. Even when she was in college, we made frequent mom-daughter road trips together. When she moved 600 miles away after getting married, she and I cried as I boarded the plane to fly home after helping her move. For the first 6 years after her move, she called every few weeks and frequently came home for special events and holidays or we went to her house. However, I noticed a distance growing in our relationship. Calls and texts stopped except for obligatory birthday and Mothers Day calls. When I called, it always went straight to voicemail with no return call. When her dad and I went to visit, she remained cool and distant; her husband was more warm and welcoming than she was.
Finally, she sent me an email telling me that she was molested by her stepbrother as a child. She did not make any accusations toward me, but I could see that she blamed me for not protecting her from her stepbrother (although I had no idea what was going on at the time). In the meantime, I blamed myself for what happened to her since this all apparently happened when I was the only parent at home (my husband worked night shift and weekends most of his career).
I always swore that I would be a better mother for my daughter than my own mother was for me. I now felt like an utter failure as a mother. My daughter did not cut me out of her life entirely but she might as well as have. She did confront me a few months later and tell me that I never supported her emotionally, and that while she would keep in touch and see me from time to time, we would never have a close relationship again. I was devastated. But with a lot of prayer, I just decided to accept whatever contact she would allow and just let her keep knowing that I loved her no matter what. I also wrote her a long letter apologizing for not being the mother that she needed and letting her know that she was and always will be my heart no matter what (she did reach out and thank me for writing that letter). It hasn't been easy. My son in law was a wonderful source of support during all this, telling me to keep being patient because that she did not realize how important I was to her but that she would eventually.
Then things have slowly began to change for the better. I was unexpectedly hospitalized with a serious illness, she called every day for a week to check on me. During COVID, she began calling or texting every two weeks to check on us. Then she told us that they were going to move back to our home state (only a couple hours away from us) and that she was trying to get pregnant (she is now expecting their first child). She has invited us to their home at least 5 times since they moved back, and calls me at work after every OB appt to let me know how she is doing.
While she has not been able to bring herself to visit our home, my husband and I can live with that. She has also hinted that she would like for the 3 of us (me, her, & her child) to do things together in the future. I had just had to give her the time and space to process what had happened to her, and let her know how I truly regretted my shortcomings as her mother and that I will always love her no matter what. Maybe we won't ever have that storybook mom-daughter bond, but life isn't a storybook. At least we do now have a bond, and it is slowly getting closer. I also can now say that we do have a better relationship than my mother and I ever had.