My older brother and my mother had a contentious relationship that began in his early adolescence. He and I remained close, although he moved far away from us as soon as he turned eighteen. I spent my early adulthood trying to mediate between the two of them. Finally, when he was 43 and I was 37, he moved in with me. His emotional problems, which had always been evident, became clearer to me. He and my mother, who lived 300 miles away, stopped speaking altogether.

I felt he was pressuring me to choose between him and our mother, and I warned him I would choose her if forced, although I didn't want to be put in that position. He eventually began to see me as "against him” too, and I asked him to leave. He moved away and remained virtually incommunicado from my mother and me for the next twelve years, until she died.

I did not know how to reach him to let him know. I didn't mention him in her obituary, which he found out through other extended family and hurt him deeply. I reached out to no avail. I then tried again three years later, we reconnected and had a rekindled, close and loving long-distance relationship with visits for the next 3-4 years, until he died earlier this year.

We would never have been able to do that while our mother was still alive, and I am thankful we were able to before his death. The last words we exchanged on the phone a few weeks before his unexpected death was to tell each other, "I love you.".